So it's day 72 and I am contemplating pumping one of my patients with a high dose of epinephrine. Enough adrenaline to have her running away as fast as possible to a galaxy far far away. Miss Sloth is only there for some basic tests querying diabetes. She is completely coherent and physically able but she refuses to wake up off her bed to use the toilet, choosing instead to defecate in her bed. The pungent stench travels across the ward. Everyone recoils in unity. I put on a mask, gloves and an apron and valiantly head toward the smell while everyone runs away from it. A sacrificial act of heroism for the greater good of the world, I smother her with a pillow until she stops breathing..
Okay so I didn't smother her with a pillow. Instead I held my breath, asked her to get off the bed and changed the linen. "Miss Sloth, please go and take a shower and PLEASE start using the toilet or at least call for a bedpan!" I said as politely as I could muster. To my horror she turns around and bends over, thrusting a butt full of faeces at me, swinging it around in the air like she just don't care! – (like a sick and twisted hip hop music vid). I gasp and then I wince feeling like I swallowed a whole lot of something you really shouldn't swallow! What the crap is going on here? Was she just being arrogant? She orders me to wipe her butt and leave her alone. At this point I am very seriously reconsidering smothering her. I refuse to wipe her butt and demand that she take a freaking shower.
I leave the room to get her shower kit and when I return I find her back in bed, sleeping like a powdered baby, except she smells nothing like baby powder and the flies have become her only friends. It bothers me. It bothers me greatly. It bothers me gargantuanly. The flies are having a stench party on her body and she is not bothered by it in the least bit! I am extremely nauseated at this point and I practically run as fast as possible outside and breathe in deeply wanting to scream out in terror. The expression on my face is very similar to the expression on your face right now and I am sorry that I ruined lunch and supper and probably the next 6 meals for you. You know what's the cherry on top? When I go back to the ward, they are serving lunch and Miss Sloth is busy gobbling fists full of food as fast she can with her unwashed hands. Shoot me.